To our sweet child in heaven,
I miss you today. I miss you everyday. But today, I miss you a lot. Today, you should be here celebrating your first birthday. You should be blowing out your first birthday candle and smashing a cake... making a huge mess. Oh, how I would welcome that mess with a smile. I can just see the joy.
Instead, I am silently singing happy birthday to you and dreaming of who you are. My heart hurts but I find comfort in knowing you are where God wants you to be. I love you. I think of you often and can feel you tugging at my heart. You are missed. You are loved.
Until we meet in heaven.
All my love,
Mom
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Broken Hearts: Grieving Through Another Miscarriage
2/12/15
I fear it's happening again. Why? Please, no. I don't want to go through this again. I can't handle losing another baby. Please, God, no.
For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. -1 Samuel 1: 27-28
I have cried all day. The wait of "knowing for sure" is so painful. I cannot get in for an ultrasound until 8:00 am tomorrow (22 hours from initial start of spotting!) I have the gut feeling, I think I already know. Our second baby has left my womb and I am left heartbroken.
Dear God,
I pray that I am wrong. I pray that these stomach aches are just my nerves. And I pray that our baby is healthy and growing strong inside of me. But God, if you did call our second baby home, I want to thank you. Thank you for welcoming the baby with open arms.
Oh how I wish they were my arms. I want to hold our sweet babies. I know, someday.
God, please give me the strength to carry on. Help me be a better mother to the two beautiful, perfect boys we have here. Help me be strong for Kurt. I love him so much and it pains me to make him go through this again. Lord, it's in Your hands and I trust in Your plan.
-Me
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
2/13/15
So today, at the Dr., my fear was confirmed and our baby didn't make it much past 6 weeks. My husband just held me as I sat there and cried. Why? Why does this keep happening? We prayed so hard for this baby. I just don't get it! Am I a good mom? Does God think I'm a good mom? Why does God need my baby more than he thinks I need this baby? I wiped my tears. Apologized to my husband. Why do I always feel guilty when this happens? Because it's MY body and something is going on in there that these babies aren't making it, that's why!
Kurt's not mad, he's never mad. He's just sad with me. I can see it on his face. He just hugged me tight and whispers, "I love you."
He loves me for me. And I love him. I love that he's supportive and that he always wants what's best for me. He truly cares for me. My husband is such a great man. I just wish he wasn't so strong sometimes and would just break down with me.
Options: Well, just like last time, my options were the same... A D&C procedure or pass the baby naturally. I quickly said book the D&C, let's just get it over with. Once I arrived home the bleeding progressed and the cramping had started so we decided to let my body pass it naturally this time. There's no saying how long it will take or even if I will know once it passes but I can do this.
Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy-31:6
The day was long, as I was still working--caring for other people's babies. All I wanted to do was cuddle my boys and cry. The support we have gotten from family and friends is amazing. No one ever knows what to say or do but our sweet family and friends brought us food, cards and hugs and it was all much appreciated. (Advice: Treat a miscarriage as you would any other loss.)
A friend, who knows miscarriage all too well, sent me a list of scriptures she found helpful in times of struggle. What a kind heart you have and I thank you for reaching out to me. It is comforting to know that others have walked this path and that we don't have to do it alone. That's why I share my story. To encourage you. To give you hope. To give you strength. To give you peace.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I was nervous about this pregnancy for obvious reasons but felt so good about it. Confident that this would be a successful pregnancy and felt it was also what He wanted since we prayed so hard for this baby. This is not easy but, in a way, I felt prepared for this miscarriage compared to the last time when I was completely blindsided. I knew miscarriage could happen to me. I know now how to grieve a little better, how to embrace the loss and how to find the strength through my faith to move forward.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
I am seeking you, God, to heal my broken heart.
"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Grieving sucks. I am fortunate to have never had anyone close to me die. I'm 26 years old and have never had to be the family you greet at a visitation. These babies have been my first sense of "loss" and it hurts so much. They were only apart of me for a short time but will forever hold a piece of my heart. I am so bummed. I wanted that baby. I want all of my babies. I am so sad. Most of all, I am sad for my husband. He knows this feeling of loss all too well, as he has lost both of his parents. I continue to search for his words. I pray the Lord will soften his heart and he can find the words to share his feelings with me. I pray God can, again, heal his broken heart.
(Advice: If you are going through a miscarriage, seek God. Lean towards your spouse and walk through this together. And when you are ready, give your child to God. I found so much peace once I fully gave my children to the Lord and let them go.)
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. -Deuteronomy 31:8
Dear Angel Baby,
Today, I knew I had to let you go to be with the Lord, for He is in control and has called you home. May Grandma and Grandpa Hesse hold you and your sibling in their arms. May they sing you sweet lullabies and rock you as they tell you funny stories about your father. May you help paint the sunset and bowl a few strikes--we'll be searching for you. We love you so much and we know you are in great company. I will be seeing you again, sweet baby. I know you'll be waiting for me at heaven's gate.
Until then.
All my love,
-Mom
Just minutes after I wrote that to our baby, my sister sent me this beautiful photo she captured on her drive home from our house. As tears rolled down my face, I knew our baby was in the hands of Jesus and arrived safely to heaven. In this moment, I felt a little peace. Again.
I fear it's happening again. Why? Please, no. I don't want to go through this again. I can't handle losing another baby. Please, God, no.
For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. -1 Samuel 1: 27-28
I have cried all day. The wait of "knowing for sure" is so painful. I cannot get in for an ultrasound until 8:00 am tomorrow (22 hours from initial start of spotting!) I have the gut feeling, I think I already know. Our second baby has left my womb and I am left heartbroken.
Dear God,
I pray that I am wrong. I pray that these stomach aches are just my nerves. And I pray that our baby is healthy and growing strong inside of me. But God, if you did call our second baby home, I want to thank you. Thank you for welcoming the baby with open arms.
Oh how I wish they were my arms. I want to hold our sweet babies. I know, someday.
God, please give me the strength to carry on. Help me be a better mother to the two beautiful, perfect boys we have here. Help me be strong for Kurt. I love him so much and it pains me to make him go through this again. Lord, it's in Your hands and I trust in Your plan.
-Me
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
2/13/15
So today, at the Dr., my fear was confirmed and our baby didn't make it much past 6 weeks. My husband just held me as I sat there and cried. Why? Why does this keep happening? We prayed so hard for this baby. I just don't get it! Am I a good mom? Does God think I'm a good mom? Why does God need my baby more than he thinks I need this baby? I wiped my tears. Apologized to my husband. Why do I always feel guilty when this happens? Because it's MY body and something is going on in there that these babies aren't making it, that's why!
Kurt's not mad, he's never mad. He's just sad with me. I can see it on his face. He just hugged me tight and whispers, "I love you."
He loves me for me. And I love him. I love that he's supportive and that he always wants what's best for me. He truly cares for me. My husband is such a great man. I just wish he wasn't so strong sometimes and would just break down with me.
Options: Well, just like last time, my options were the same... A D&C procedure or pass the baby naturally. I quickly said book the D&C, let's just get it over with. Once I arrived home the bleeding progressed and the cramping had started so we decided to let my body pass it naturally this time. There's no saying how long it will take or even if I will know once it passes but I can do this.
Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy-31:6
The day was long, as I was still working--caring for other people's babies. All I wanted to do was cuddle my boys and cry. The support we have gotten from family and friends is amazing. No one ever knows what to say or do but our sweet family and friends brought us food, cards and hugs and it was all much appreciated. (Advice: Treat a miscarriage as you would any other loss.)
A friend, who knows miscarriage all too well, sent me a list of scriptures she found helpful in times of struggle. What a kind heart you have and I thank you for reaching out to me. It is comforting to know that others have walked this path and that we don't have to do it alone. That's why I share my story. To encourage you. To give you hope. To give you strength. To give you peace.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I was nervous about this pregnancy for obvious reasons but felt so good about it. Confident that this would be a successful pregnancy and felt it was also what He wanted since we prayed so hard for this baby. This is not easy but, in a way, I felt prepared for this miscarriage compared to the last time when I was completely blindsided. I knew miscarriage could happen to me. I know now how to grieve a little better, how to embrace the loss and how to find the strength through my faith to move forward.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
I am seeking you, God, to heal my broken heart.
"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Grieving sucks. I am fortunate to have never had anyone close to me die. I'm 26 years old and have never had to be the family you greet at a visitation. These babies have been my first sense of "loss" and it hurts so much. They were only apart of me for a short time but will forever hold a piece of my heart. I am so bummed. I wanted that baby. I want all of my babies. I am so sad. Most of all, I am sad for my husband. He knows this feeling of loss all too well, as he has lost both of his parents. I continue to search for his words. I pray the Lord will soften his heart and he can find the words to share his feelings with me. I pray God can, again, heal his broken heart.
(Advice: If you are going through a miscarriage, seek God. Lean towards your spouse and walk through this together. And when you are ready, give your child to God. I found so much peace once I fully gave my children to the Lord and let them go.)
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. -Deuteronomy 31:8
Dear Angel Baby,
Today, I knew I had to let you go to be with the Lord, for He is in control and has called you home. May Grandma and Grandpa Hesse hold you and your sibling in their arms. May they sing you sweet lullabies and rock you as they tell you funny stories about your father. May you help paint the sunset and bowl a few strikes--we'll be searching for you. We love you so much and we know you are in great company. I will be seeing you again, sweet baby. I know you'll be waiting for me at heaven's gate.
Until then.
All my love,
-Mom
Just minutes after I wrote that to our baby, my sister sent me this beautiful photo she captured on her drive home from our house. As tears rolled down my face, I knew our baby was in the hands of Jesus and arrived safely to heaven. In this moment, I felt a little peace. Again.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
The Perfect Painting
December, 2014
Is this it? Is two kids all we are going to have?
I saw a therapist once a few months back and she asked me if I ever asked myself that, "Is two it? Is two enough? Would you be okay if you couldn't have more?"
No. No. Two is not enough. This cannot be it. I'm just not satisfied. I never did go back to the therapist. I wasn't willing to give up the hope of having more kids nor was I willing to stop trying just to get medicated. Instead, I prayed. I prayed, a lot. I asked my friends to pray for me as well. It helped.
Not having more kids, and being ok with it, is something I really struggled with. It's not the "picture perfect" family that I had envisioned for us. Are you living the life you envisioned or are you struggling too? Maybe you are single or divorced and are still searching, hoping, praying for that perfect person to come in your life. Maybe you haven't landed that perfect job yet. I have a college degree but yet I wiped 5 little butts this morning within 10 minutes---I can assure you this is not where I planned to be. But maybe there's a way to enjoy life no matter where we are...
Dave Bartlett spoke at Orchard Hill Church and said this, "Pause. Pray. Choose Joy." Those words have really stuck with me and how easy is that to remember?
When I just cant find the time to shower, my kids get up at 4 am, a child throws an entire bowl of cereal on the floor, I'm moody with my husband and short with my kids, my house is a disaster, when I forget to pay a bill on time, or when depression hits hard... Pause. Pray. Choose joy. Saying it just allows me to breathe. It calms me. Some days, my life is far from what I intend it to be and I am sure God is laughing down at my effort to rock this gig I have going on but this is the life He gave me. I am still here, showered or not, clean house or messy house, I'm still here. God intends for me to live this life. Actually LIVE it. I cant just have my life stop because I want another baby. No, I need to enjoy this life and be happy for the crazy way it's going. There is so much joy in this life and you just have to see it. Live it. Be it. I. Choose. JOY.
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."
James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
Have you ever watched God paint a sunset? It is so beautiful. Perfect, actually. It's a work in progress as the night draws near and the process is just as beautiful as the final image.
Our life is like a never ending painting that God is creating--the process is intended to be just as beautiful as the final image. Perhaps our life with two boys is just a stroke of the paint brush and He is just not done painting our family portrait yet.
Pause. Pray. Choose Joy.
Our life is a beautiful painting that God is still creating. So sit back and enjoy this Life and praise God everyday you get to live it!
XOXO
-Alicia
Is this it? Is two kids all we are going to have?
I saw a therapist once a few months back and she asked me if I ever asked myself that, "Is two it? Is two enough? Would you be okay if you couldn't have more?"
No. No. Two is not enough. This cannot be it. I'm just not satisfied. I never did go back to the therapist. I wasn't willing to give up the hope of having more kids nor was I willing to stop trying just to get medicated. Instead, I prayed. I prayed, a lot. I asked my friends to pray for me as well. It helped.
Not having more kids, and being ok with it, is something I really struggled with. It's not the "picture perfect" family that I had envisioned for us. Are you living the life you envisioned or are you struggling too? Maybe you are single or divorced and are still searching, hoping, praying for that perfect person to come in your life. Maybe you haven't landed that perfect job yet. I have a college degree but yet I wiped 5 little butts this morning within 10 minutes---I can assure you this is not where I planned to be. But maybe there's a way to enjoy life no matter where we are...
Dave Bartlett spoke at Orchard Hill Church and said this, "Pause. Pray. Choose Joy." Those words have really stuck with me and how easy is that to remember?
When I just cant find the time to shower, my kids get up at 4 am, a child throws an entire bowl of cereal on the floor, I'm moody with my husband and short with my kids, my house is a disaster, when I forget to pay a bill on time, or when depression hits hard... Pause. Pray. Choose joy. Saying it just allows me to breathe. It calms me. Some days, my life is far from what I intend it to be and I am sure God is laughing down at my effort to rock this gig I have going on but this is the life He gave me. I am still here, showered or not, clean house or messy house, I'm still here. God intends for me to live this life. Actually LIVE it. I cant just have my life stop because I want another baby. No, I need to enjoy this life and be happy for the crazy way it's going. There is so much joy in this life and you just have to see it. Live it. Be it. I. Choose. JOY.
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."
James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
Have you ever watched God paint a sunset? It is so beautiful. Perfect, actually. It's a work in progress as the night draws near and the process is just as beautiful as the final image.
Our life is like a never ending painting that God is creating--the process is intended to be just as beautiful as the final image. Perhaps our life with two boys is just a stroke of the paint brush and He is just not done painting our family portrait yet.
Pause. Pray. Choose Joy.
Our life is a beautiful painting that God is still creating. So sit back and enjoy this Life and praise God everyday you get to live it!
XOXO
-Alicia
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Be Patient. Be Content. Be Thankful.
It's November 1st, Halloween is over and I am ready to decorate for Christmas. My husband said I needed to wait.
Wait. Verb. stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens.
Wait. Wait for Christmas. Wait for something to happen. Wait for more money. Wait for a baby. Wait for God to answer my prayers. Wait. Sometimes waiting is difficult. I don't like to wait. I especially hate being patient when it comes to my life. I finished high school early, graduated from a university in 3 years and got married when I was 21--I knew what I wanted and got it done, I didn't wait. Now here we are, still not pregnant, still no baby... But the Lord reminds us how important it is to just wait.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."--Psalm 27:14
This last Sunday we heard a sermon (again, by Alice Shirey, she's amazing) about being content.
{You can find it online here www.orchardhillchurch.org}
Hebrews 13:5
"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
There's so many times where I am left always wanting more. More money. More clothes. More things. More babies. More. More. More. Perhaps, God is telling me to just be content? I don't think He is telling me to settle or not to believe that things will happen but instead just teaching me to live. Live for today and wait for His impeccable timing. Be content for today.
Content. Adjective. In a state of peaceful happiness.
When trying to have a baby there are good days and there are very sad, frustrating, dark days. Every month that passes seems like a lifetime. I am trying to find that "state of peaceful happiness" in this situation but it's hard and something I am praying for. If you believe in the power of prayer, pray with me, will you?
Do you also struggle with being content with what you already have or where you are at in life?
So this holiday season, I challenge you to be content. Again the Lord has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Isn't that enough?
"Enough"
Chris Tomlin
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
Youre my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
Youre the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know
More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me
I am trying to be content and finding happiness in what the Lord has already given me and just taking the time to be thankful. Thankful for my family, friends, health, and a Lord who loves us, always! Being thankful for a strong marriage and the two beautiful boys the Lord has blessed us with and trying not to stress on if He will bless us with more. The boys and I put together a family Thankful Tree for our new centerpiece this month. It serves as a reminder in our house that the Lord has already provided us with SO much and HE should be the center of our lives. We are so thankful!
Yes, this year, I have decided I am not skipping Thanksgiving. I always skip Thanksgiving. My Christmas shopping starts in October and my tree is up by mid November. This year, I am slowing down.
Being patient. Being content. Being thankful.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Having Hope: When God's Plan isn't My Plan.
I have always felt like God created me to be a mom. When asked in high school what my future plans included I had replied with, "Be a mom". I had no doubt that this was what I was going to do. My first two pregnancies were easy and fun. My deliveries for both boys were also easy and enjoyable, thanks to an epidural. And parenting, well, that’s a fun ride too. It was encouraging to think that my plan was also God’s plan. We plan for four kids, but will it happen? Is that God's plan too?
July 2013
When it came time to try for our third child, I was really excited about the idea of having a new baby. I got pregnant the first month after getting off birth control but something felt different. It didn't feel right. I was angry that I wasn't feeling the excitement; after all, this was MY Plan.
I tried to feel excited. My husband and I made pregnancy announcement cards with our boys and surprised our closest friends and family.
While most said they were happy for us, I still didn't feel it. I didn't feel the joy that I knew I should feel—the joy that I felt with my first two pregnancies.
I was being very selfish. I did not turn to The Lord in my moments of uncertainty. And for that, I am embarrassed.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
I soon heard Alice Shirey's teaching on Living Life with Gratitude at our church. This teaching moved me to tears. I felt The Lord talking to me that day. My heart was open. I was ready to live my life with gratitude and thank him for every beautiful moment in my life--especially this pregnancy! I was always honest with my feelings to my husband and told him that this was a life-altering teaching for me.
The next week was great as I started each day talking with God. Asking Him for patience with my children and thanking him multiple times during the day for the life he has given me and for the life I was carrying. I was putting all of my faith in Him. I was anticipating my upcoming 12 week doctor appointment, to hear that precious heart beat for the first time.
Monday, September 23, 2013 I woke up shortly after my husband left for work to find my underwear covered in blood. I immediately panicked yet stayed very, very calm, remembering back to my first child when I had a little spotting and it turned out to be nothing. I welcomed each of my daycare families into my home that morning and we started our day. I called the doctor’s office as soon as it opened at 8:00am and told them what was going on. They couldn't see me until 2:00pm. My mind was going crazy but I remained calm. Talking with God really helped.
My mom came to help me with my daycare and I went to the doctor. I assured my husband that it would be nothing and that he didn't have to come. The same thing happened with Korvin (our first son) so I wasn't concerned and the bleeding had stopped. Miscarriage wasn't going to happen to me. I am a good mom. God wouldn't take a child from Me.
Every visit to the OBGYN had been easy, very pleasant. I have had two easy pregnancies. I mean, I am that lady who moms hate. I absolutely LOVE being pregnant!
When the ultrasound tech called me in to do a vaginal ultrasound, I immediately felt scared. I was no longer brave. I wanted my husband there to hold my hand. I was expecting the worst. I spotted the embryonic sac right away on the small screen and knew something was wrong--very, very wrong. The baby was too small. I couldn't hear a heartbeat. The tech asked me if I was sure on my dates and if I was sure I should be 12 weeks. I was sure. She, the tech, obviously couldn't tell me anything. But I knew. I knew there was no baby. I lost the baby. Lost the baby? Not like it could be found again. My baby was dead.
I felt numb. Why? Why me? Was it because I was so ungrateful? I had never had any problems carrying to term before.
What was I going to tell my husband? My husband has experienced too much loss in his life and now I did it to him again. I felt so guilty. I hated that I had to call him to tell him.
I got dressed and the tech took me to a room to wait for the doctor. It felt like years before she came in to talk to me. Why did I have to wait? So she could tell me that my baby was dead. I already know! I felt like screaming, I was so mad. I needed a hug. I felt so alone. The doctor proceeded to talk to me to give me options. Pass it naturally or have a D&C. Was I supposed to make a decision now? I just wanted to go home. Go home to hug my husband and my two perfect boys.
I drove home, paralyzed with pain. I walked inside my house and my two year old son looks at me from the top of the stairs to ask, "Mommy, did the baby go away?"
Whoa, what!? No one even hinted that anything happened. God proceeded to talk to me through him as he crawls on my lap to hug me and says, "It's okay, Mommy. I love you."
I went another 4 days with that baby inside me. It was horrible. I still felt pregnant. The embryonic sac continued to grow, was measuring at 12 weeks but the baby stopped at week 8. I opted for the D&C procedure because it hadn't passed naturally and I wanted it all to be over. I wanted this dead baby out of me.
Getting out of bed was difficult. Not crying all day seemed impossible.
I knew I shouldn't be angry for I know everything is all in His hands, but I was angry. Did God prepare me for this weeks ago when I wasn't feeling joyful about the pregnancy?
This song on repeat really helped during this week: Because He Lives
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M-zwE33zHA
The day of my D&C was awful. The nurse who prepped me for the procedure talked about her daughter being 36 weeks pregnant—did she not read my chart? Did she not know why I was laying on this table!? My husband and I exchanged looks but we just bit our tongue. After the procedure, I was wheeled out in a wheelchair and as I waited for my husband to pull up in the van a young woman waiting for the elevator says, “You must’ve just had a baby”. Do you see a baby?!?? I said nothing. I have no baby.
My husband and I decided we were going to wait to try again. We were going to focus on our marriage, the boys, and find joy again with what we have. However, the next seven months were very difficult for me. I became depressed but was too embarrassed to ask for help. Every baby bump I saw, every new baby that was born, and every new baby announcement made my heart ache. Why me? Why wasn’t I having a baby? God, why wasn’t my plan your plan? How selfish of me, right? I have two beautiful boys and here I am upset and angry because I want more.
"My faith tells me that, in the midst of what I perceive as the upheaval of my life, God has everything under control. It tells me that he, more than anyone, feels my pain, understands the void my miscarriage left, and counts my tears. It reassures me I'm never alone. And it tells me that as long as I remain open to God, he'll continue rebuilding my heart—still, and ever-more, the heart of a mother—one piece at a time."
-Laura L. Mills
It wasn’t until the week of the due date (April 8, 2014) that I finally “got it”. I was reading the book, Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst and she talked about how our children are never really ours but instead they belong to God. "...That's right. She is God's child. He gave her to us, and if He chooses, He might take her. But whether He leaves or takes her, we have to stand here today and say we love Him no matter what..."
This was so very powerful for me. I needed to let this baby go. That night I did just that. I gave my child to God.
I prayed to God that night through this song...
"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8
The next day I was taking photos of the boys, just because, and I noticed a white ball float across the screen of my phone. It was as if our angel baby was saying “Thank you for letting me go. I am where I need to be, with God. And I will always be with you.” This was simply miraculous and exactly what I needed. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and my faith was restored.
Here's the picture I took of the boys that day that was much brighter than the rest :)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
I started to live my life by enjoying every moment with my husband and our kids and praising God for each day I get to spend with them. I started to have hope in our future.
But here it is again, my dreaded monthly gift. Why am I not pregnant? We have always gotten pregnant the first month of trying... Why not this time? We are so ready to be parents again. We have been praying and we have been trying. I cannot help but feel discouraged again because my plan is not His. I try not to count the days and just live in the moment but I get consumed in my plan and not trust in His. I lose Hope. It is in these moments of weakness that I am overcome by fear for the future. It isn't until I put my trust back in Him when I start to feel hope again and patiently wait for His plan to play out.
Perhaps you are wondering why it has taken me a year to share my story when I openly share everything else on Facebook and Instagram. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that something didn't go my way. Embarrassed that I needed help. Embarrassed that I didn't turn to God when I needed Him most. And miscarriage isn't something people openly talk about but lately I have felt God tug at me saying, "Alicia, use this to help others. Use this to help yourself. Be humble. It's okay to talk about. It's okay to ask people to pray for you. You can't do this on your own."
Our God is so great and he works in the most amazing, unexpected ways and I have hope that God will answer our prayers when and how He feels best.
Today, I choose to love. I choose to laugh. I choose to LIVE.
Live for today. Cherish the moment.
Be strong in The Lord and NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
--Alicia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI43xs2s9d8
July 2013
When it came time to try for our third child, I was really excited about the idea of having a new baby. I got pregnant the first month after getting off birth control but something felt different. It didn't feel right. I was angry that I wasn't feeling the excitement; after all, this was MY Plan.
I tried to feel excited. My husband and I made pregnancy announcement cards with our boys and surprised our closest friends and family.
While most said they were happy for us, I still didn't feel it. I didn't feel the joy that I knew I should feel—the joy that I felt with my first two pregnancies.
I was being very selfish. I did not turn to The Lord in my moments of uncertainty. And for that, I am embarrassed.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
I soon heard Alice Shirey's teaching on Living Life with Gratitude at our church. This teaching moved me to tears. I felt The Lord talking to me that day. My heart was open. I was ready to live my life with gratitude and thank him for every beautiful moment in my life--especially this pregnancy! I was always honest with my feelings to my husband and told him that this was a life-altering teaching for me.
The next week was great as I started each day talking with God. Asking Him for patience with my children and thanking him multiple times during the day for the life he has given me and for the life I was carrying. I was putting all of my faith in Him. I was anticipating my upcoming 12 week doctor appointment, to hear that precious heart beat for the first time.
Monday, September 23, 2013 I woke up shortly after my husband left for work to find my underwear covered in blood. I immediately panicked yet stayed very, very calm, remembering back to my first child when I had a little spotting and it turned out to be nothing. I welcomed each of my daycare families into my home that morning and we started our day. I called the doctor’s office as soon as it opened at 8:00am and told them what was going on. They couldn't see me until 2:00pm. My mind was going crazy but I remained calm. Talking with God really helped.
My mom came to help me with my daycare and I went to the doctor. I assured my husband that it would be nothing and that he didn't have to come. The same thing happened with Korvin (our first son) so I wasn't concerned and the bleeding had stopped. Miscarriage wasn't going to happen to me. I am a good mom. God wouldn't take a child from Me.
Every visit to the OBGYN had been easy, very pleasant. I have had two easy pregnancies. I mean, I am that lady who moms hate. I absolutely LOVE being pregnant!
When the ultrasound tech called me in to do a vaginal ultrasound, I immediately felt scared. I was no longer brave. I wanted my husband there to hold my hand. I was expecting the worst. I spotted the embryonic sac right away on the small screen and knew something was wrong--very, very wrong. The baby was too small. I couldn't hear a heartbeat. The tech asked me if I was sure on my dates and if I was sure I should be 12 weeks. I was sure. She, the tech, obviously couldn't tell me anything. But I knew. I knew there was no baby. I lost the baby. Lost the baby? Not like it could be found again. My baby was dead.
I felt numb. Why? Why me? Was it because I was so ungrateful? I had never had any problems carrying to term before.
What was I going to tell my husband? My husband has experienced too much loss in his life and now I did it to him again. I felt so guilty. I hated that I had to call him to tell him.
I got dressed and the tech took me to a room to wait for the doctor. It felt like years before she came in to talk to me. Why did I have to wait? So she could tell me that my baby was dead. I already know! I felt like screaming, I was so mad. I needed a hug. I felt so alone. The doctor proceeded to talk to me to give me options. Pass it naturally or have a D&C. Was I supposed to make a decision now? I just wanted to go home. Go home to hug my husband and my two perfect boys.
I drove home, paralyzed with pain. I walked inside my house and my two year old son looks at me from the top of the stairs to ask, "Mommy, did the baby go away?"
Whoa, what!? No one even hinted that anything happened. God proceeded to talk to me through him as he crawls on my lap to hug me and says, "It's okay, Mommy. I love you."
I went another 4 days with that baby inside me. It was horrible. I still felt pregnant. The embryonic sac continued to grow, was measuring at 12 weeks but the baby stopped at week 8. I opted for the D&C procedure because it hadn't passed naturally and I wanted it all to be over. I wanted this dead baby out of me.
Getting out of bed was difficult. Not crying all day seemed impossible.
I knew I shouldn't be angry for I know everything is all in His hands, but I was angry. Did God prepare me for this weeks ago when I wasn't feeling joyful about the pregnancy?
This song on repeat really helped during this week: Because He Lives
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M-zwE33zHA
The day of my D&C was awful. The nurse who prepped me for the procedure talked about her daughter being 36 weeks pregnant—did she not read my chart? Did she not know why I was laying on this table!? My husband and I exchanged looks but we just bit our tongue. After the procedure, I was wheeled out in a wheelchair and as I waited for my husband to pull up in the van a young woman waiting for the elevator says, “You must’ve just had a baby”. Do you see a baby?!?? I said nothing. I have no baby.
My husband and I decided we were going to wait to try again. We were going to focus on our marriage, the boys, and find joy again with what we have. However, the next seven months were very difficult for me. I became depressed but was too embarrassed to ask for help. Every baby bump I saw, every new baby that was born, and every new baby announcement made my heart ache. Why me? Why wasn’t I having a baby? God, why wasn’t my plan your plan? How selfish of me, right? I have two beautiful boys and here I am upset and angry because I want more.
"My faith tells me that, in the midst of what I perceive as the upheaval of my life, God has everything under control. It tells me that he, more than anyone, feels my pain, understands the void my miscarriage left, and counts my tears. It reassures me I'm never alone. And it tells me that as long as I remain open to God, he'll continue rebuilding my heart—still, and ever-more, the heart of a mother—one piece at a time."
-Laura L. Mills
It wasn’t until the week of the due date (April 8, 2014) that I finally “got it”. I was reading the book, Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst and she talked about how our children are never really ours but instead they belong to God. "...That's right. She is God's child. He gave her to us, and if He chooses, He might take her. But whether He leaves or takes her, we have to stand here today and say we love Him no matter what..."
This was so very powerful for me. I needed to let this baby go. That night I did just that. I gave my child to God.
I prayed to God that night through this song...
"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8
The next day I was taking photos of the boys, just because, and I noticed a white ball float across the screen of my phone. It was as if our angel baby was saying “Thank you for letting me go. I am where I need to be, with God. And I will always be with you.” This was simply miraculous and exactly what I needed. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and my faith was restored.
Here's the picture I took of the boys that day that was much brighter than the rest :)
I started to live my life by enjoying every moment with my husband and our kids and praising God for each day I get to spend with them. I started to have hope in our future.
But here it is again, my dreaded monthly gift. Why am I not pregnant? We have always gotten pregnant the first month of trying... Why not this time? We are so ready to be parents again. We have been praying and we have been trying. I cannot help but feel discouraged again because my plan is not His. I try not to count the days and just live in the moment but I get consumed in my plan and not trust in His. I lose Hope. It is in these moments of weakness that I am overcome by fear for the future. It isn't until I put my trust back in Him when I start to feel hope again and patiently wait for His plan to play out.
Perhaps you are wondering why it has taken me a year to share my story when I openly share everything else on Facebook and Instagram. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that something didn't go my way. Embarrassed that I needed help. Embarrassed that I didn't turn to God when I needed Him most. And miscarriage isn't something people openly talk about but lately I have felt God tug at me saying, "Alicia, use this to help others. Use this to help yourself. Be humble. It's okay to talk about. It's okay to ask people to pray for you. You can't do this on your own."
Our God is so great and he works in the most amazing, unexpected ways and I have hope that God will answer our prayers when and how He feels best.
Today, I choose to love. I choose to laugh. I choose to LIVE.
Live for today. Cherish the moment.
Be strong in The Lord and NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
--Alicia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI43xs2s9d8
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