April 6, 2015
Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant! Thank you, clear blue for being so CLEAR! I am again, pregnant! Only four weeks but I am PREGNANT! To Him be the glory! God is so good to us!
"For this child I have prayed and The Lord has granted the desires of my heart." -1 Samuel: 27
I am so thankful and blessed to see that word on a stick but the truth is...
I'm pregnant again for the 5th time. It should be the happiest, most joyful time....it's not. I am having a very difficult time getting attached to this baby inside of me. It's sad. I want a baby. I really do but I fear He will take it all away again like He has done twice before. I cannot get past the fear of miscarrying again.
Then I am reminded... Let my faith be stronger than my fears.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."--Deuteronomy 3:16
Yes, I am afraid that I will not carry this baby to term but it's NOT my fault. God has a purpose for this child whether it's in heaven or here with us. God has a plan for our family! I just wish that plan was as clear as the "Pregnant" staring back at me on this Clear Blu Digital stick.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.--Jeremiah 29:11
Not sharing a pregnancy right away and not getting attached is a way to guard myself from the heartache that could come. I have been protecting myself. Last time the conversations to our families sucked. "We're pregnant. Well, we were. We are miscarrying again."
We never allowed our families to share in our excitement because we kept the pregnancy a secret. We never received their prayers!
This time, I wanted our family and friends to pray for us and to share in our joy but mostly, just pray. Having someone pray for you is just an awesome, powerful feeling and it should be done more often. Pray for your friends. Pray for your neighbors. Just pray.
I pray a lot. I even prayed for morning sickness! I envied those women who have morning sickness. I know, what a stupid thing to be jealous about but it's true. I wish I had that daily reminder that I am really pregnant. I have a hard time believing it. I am consumed by "if" thoughts like "if this baby makes it to 12 weeks", "if I carry to term", and "if God takes this child..." I am losing the joy pregnancy brings because I am letting the fear win.
April 27, 2015
I have had a lot of cramping-- am I miscarrying again or is it just my uterus stretching? This is my 5th pregnancy in a few short years--how much more could it stretch? And why am I feeling it so early? I read most women don't feel any stretching/cramping until week 12--I've been feeling it since week 5. Spotting has always been my first indication of miscarrying before, not cramping and not until 10-12 weeks. What's happening?
Then, Korvin (4), asked randomly at bed time, "how does the baby get to heaven?"
I went to bed in tears. I feared for what was to come.
The next morning, 5:00am.
I was jolted awake with the lyrics of "Trust in You" by Jeremy Camp in my head and as if this song wasn't enough.... It was accompanied with one day of horrible morning sickness--throwing up from morning to night.
When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
When the darkness is close at hand
And I'm running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.
'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not (whoaho) be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I willl trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you.
The following days were exhausting as I continued to redirect all of my thoughts from fear to faith by continuing to praise His name through that song.
At our 7 week ultrasound I was very skeptical. I went in expecting to see a baby with no heartbeat or an empty sac. Fear again took over all of my faith. Much to our surprise there was the most beautiful blob. My doctor told me not to worry and think positive. This was definitely easier said than done. I continued to question God and everything about this pregnancy. My faith had a hard time overcoming my fear of miscarriage. However, I was cautiously optimistic.
At 12 weeks, the beautiful blob was a little bigger and we were ecstatic to finally share our pregnancy.
At 20 weeks, Kurt and I enjoyed a night to ourselves with a 45 minute ultrasound seeing every aspect of our sweet miracle inside of me. Our faith was, again, restored.
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”--Matthew 14:31
After every storm, God creates a rainbow of hope and ours is so beautiful and I am reminded of that with every little kick inside of me. The Lord also reminded me that each storm will pass and that my broken heart will mend as the people I love in heaven took my breath away this morning with this beautiful painted sunrise at our farm.
XOXO
--Alicia
