May Your Faith Always Be Stronger Than Your Fears

Today. Today I should be having a baby. Not this baby but the one God called home back in February. That baby was supposed to arrive today, September 10, 2015. I thought today would hurt less now that I'm pregnant again but my heart still aches for the babies I lost. I lost? I didn't lose them. God simply had other plans and I struggle with that. A lot.


April 6, 2015
Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant! Thank you, clear blue for being so CLEAR! I am again, pregnant! Only four weeks but I am PREGNANT! To Him be the glory! God is so good to us!


"For this child I have prayed and The Lord has granted the desires of my heart." -1 Samuel: 27

I am so thankful and blessed to see that word on a stick but the truth is...

I'm pregnant again for the 5th time. It should be the happiest, most joyful time....it's not. I am having a very difficult time getting attached to this baby inside of me. It's sad. I want a baby. I really do but I fear He will take it all away again like He has done twice before. I cannot get past the fear of miscarrying again.


Then I am reminded... Let my faith be stronger than my fears.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."--Deuteronomy 3:16


Yes, I am afraid that I will not carry this baby to term but it's NOT my fault. God has a purpose for this child whether it's in heaven or here with us. God has a plan for our family! I just wish that plan was as clear as the "Pregnant" staring back at me on this Clear Blu Digital stick.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.--Jeremiah 29:11


Not sharing a pregnancy right away and not getting attached is a way to guard myself from the heartache that could come. I have been protecting myself. Last time the conversations to our families sucked. "We're pregnant. Well, we were. We are miscarrying again."

We never allowed our families to share in our excitement because we kept the pregnancy a secret. We never received their prayers!


This time, I wanted our family and friends to pray for us and to share in our joy but mostly, just pray. Having someone pray for you is just an awesome, powerful feeling and it should be done more often. Pray for your friends. Pray for your neighbors. Just pray.

I pray a lot. I even prayed for morning sickness! I envied those women who have morning sickness. I know, what a stupid thing to be jealous about but it's true. I wish I had that daily reminder that I am really pregnant. I have a hard time believing it. I am consumed by "if" thoughts like "if this baby makes it to 12 weeks", "if I carry to term", and "if God takes this child..." I am losing the joy pregnancy brings because I am letting the fear win.


April 27, 2015

I have had a lot of cramping-- am I miscarrying again or is it just my uterus stretching? This is my 5th pregnancy in a few short years--how much more could it stretch? And why am I feeling it so early? I read most women don't feel any stretching/cramping until week 12--I've been feeling it since week 5. Spotting has always been my first indication of miscarrying before, not cramping and not until 10-12 weeks. What's happening?

Then, Korvin (4), asked randomly at bed time, "how does the baby get to heaven?"

I went to bed in tears. I feared for what was to come.

The next morning, 5:00am.

I was jolted awake with the lyrics of "Trust in You" by Jeremy Camp in my head and as if this song wasn't enough.... It was accompanied with one day of horrible morning sickness--throwing up from morning to night.


When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

When the darkness is close at hand
And I'm running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.

'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
'Cuz I will not be afraid
I will not (whoaho) be afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you
I willl trust in you
I will trust in you
I will trust in you.




The following days were exhausting as I continued to redirect all of my thoughts from fear to faith by continuing to praise His name through that song.


At our 7 week ultrasound I was very skeptical. I went in expecting to see a baby with no heartbeat or an empty sac. Fear again took over all of my faith. Much to our surprise there was the most beautiful blob. My doctor told me not to worry and think positive. This was definitely easier said than done. I continued to question God and everything about this pregnancy. My faith had a hard time overcoming my fear of miscarriage. However, I was cautiously optimistic.

At 12 weeks, the beautiful blob was a little bigger and we were ecstatic to finally share our pregnancy.

At 20 weeks, Kurt and I enjoyed a night to ourselves with a 45 minute ultrasound seeing every aspect of our sweet miracle inside of me. Our faith was, again, restored.

We are beyond excited! Our boys love this baby so much. They give it hugs and kisses and always want to know how big it is. They even share their food with the baby. Score for Mom!

Now, 26 weeks pregnant and so in love. May my faith continue to be stronger than my fears.

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”--Matthew 14:31

After every storm, God creates a rainbow of hope and ours is so beautiful and I am reminded of that with every little kick inside of me. The Lord also reminded me that each storm will pass and that my broken heart will mend as the people I love in heaven took my breath away this morning with this beautiful painted sunrise at our farm.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands."--Psalm 19:1


XOXO
--Alicia

Happy 1st Birthday!

To our sweet child in heaven,
I miss you today. I miss you everyday. But today, I miss you a lot. Today, you should be here celebrating your first birthday. You should be blowing out your first birthday candle and smashing a cake... making a huge mess. Oh, how I would welcome that mess with a smile. I can just see the joy.
Instead, I am silently singing happy birthday to you and dreaming of who you are. My heart hurts but I find comfort in knowing you are where God wants you to be. I love you. I think of you often and can feel you tugging at my heart. You are missed. You are loved.
Until we meet in heaven.
All my love,
Mom

Broken Hearts: Grieving Through Another Miscarriage

2/12/15
I fear it's happening again. Why? Please, no. I don't want to go through this again. I can't handle losing another baby. Please, God, no.

For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. -1 Samuel 1: 27-28

I have cried all day. The wait of "knowing for sure" is so painful. I cannot get in for an ultrasound until 8:00 am tomorrow (22 hours from initial start of spotting!) I have the gut feeling, I think I already know. Our second baby has left my womb and I am left heartbroken.

Dear God,
I pray that I am wrong. I pray that these stomach aches are just my nerves. And I pray that our baby is healthy and growing strong inside of me. But God, if you did call our second baby home, I want to thank you. Thank you for welcoming the baby with open arms.
Oh how I wish they were my arms. I want to hold our sweet babies. I know, someday.
God, please give me the strength to carry on. Help me be a better mother to the two beautiful, perfect boys we have here. Help me be strong for Kurt. I love him so much and it pains me to make him go through this again. Lord, it's in Your hands and I trust in Your plan.
-Me

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11


2/13/15
So today, at the Dr., my fear was confirmed and our baby didn't make it much past 6 weeks. My husband just held me as I sat there and cried. Why? Why does this keep happening? We prayed so hard for this baby. I just don't get it! Am I a good mom? Does God think I'm a good mom? Why does God need my baby more than he thinks I need this baby? I wiped my tears. Apologized to my husband. Why do I always feel guilty when this happens? Because it's MY body and something is going on in there that these babies aren't making it, that's why!
Kurt's not mad, he's never mad. He's just sad with me. I can see it on his face. He just hugged me tight and whispers, "I love you."
He loves me for me. And I love him. I love that he's supportive and that he always wants what's best for me. He truly cares for me. My husband is such a great man. I just wish he wasn't so strong sometimes and would just break down with me.

Options: Well, just like last time, my options were the same... A D&C procedure or pass the baby naturally. I quickly said book the D&C, let's just get it over with. Once I arrived home the bleeding progressed and the cramping had started so we decided to let my body pass it naturally this time. There's no saying how long it will take or even if I will know once it passes but I can do this.


Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy-31:6


The day was long, as I was still working--caring for other people's babies. All I wanted to do was cuddle my boys and cry. The support we have gotten from family and friends is amazing. No one ever knows what to say or do but our sweet family and friends brought us food, cards and hugs and it was all much appreciated. (Advice: Treat a miscarriage as you would any other loss.)
A friend, who knows miscarriage all too well, sent me a list of scriptures she found helpful in times of struggle. What a kind heart you have and I thank you for reaching out to me. It is comforting to know that others have walked this path and that we don't have to do it alone. That's why I share my story. To encourage you. To give you hope. To give you strength. To give you peace.


Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4


I was nervous about this pregnancy for obvious reasons but felt so good about it. Confident that this would be a successful pregnancy and felt it was also what He wanted since we prayed so hard for this baby. This is not easy but, in a way, I felt prepared for this miscarriage compared to the last time when I was completely blindsided. I knew miscarriage could happen to me. I know now how to grieve a little better, how to embrace the loss and how to find the strength through my faith to move forward.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

I am seeking you, God, to heal my broken heart.


"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life

I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life

And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]

Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]

And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]

Grieving sucks. I am fortunate to have never had anyone close to me die. I'm 26 years old and have never had to be the family you greet at a visitation. These babies have been my first sense of "loss" and it hurts so much. They were only apart of me for a short time but will forever hold a piece of my heart. I am so bummed. I wanted that baby. I want all of my babies. I am so sad. Most of all, I am sad for my husband. He knows this feeling of loss all too well, as he has lost both of his parents. I continue to search for his words. I pray the Lord will soften his heart and he can find the words to share his feelings with me. I pray God can, again, heal his broken heart.

(Advice: If you are going through a miscarriage, seek God. Lean towards your spouse and walk through this together. And when you are ready, give your child to God. I found so much peace once I fully gave my children to the Lord and let them go.)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. -Deuteronomy 31:8

Dear Angel Baby,
Today, I knew I had to let you go to be with the Lord, for He is in control and has called you home. May Grandma and Grandpa Hesse hold you and your sibling in their arms. May they sing you sweet lullabies and rock you as they tell you funny stories about your father. May you help paint the sunset and bowl a few strikes--we'll be searching for you. We love you so much and we know you are in great company. I will be seeing you again, sweet baby. I know you'll be waiting for me at heaven's gate.
Until then.
All my love,
-Mom


Just minutes after I wrote that to our baby, my sister sent me this beautiful photo she captured on her drive home from our house. As tears rolled down my face, I knew our baby was in the hands of Jesus and arrived safely to heaven. In this moment, I felt a little peace. Again.

The Perfect Painting

December, 2014
Is this it? Is two kids all we are going to have?
I saw a therapist once a few months back and she asked me if I ever asked myself that, "Is two it? Is two enough? Would you be okay if you couldn't have more?"
No. No. Two is not enough. This cannot be it. I'm just not satisfied. I never did go back to the therapist. I wasn't willing to give up the hope of having more kids nor was I willing to stop trying just to get medicated. Instead, I prayed. I prayed, a lot. I asked my friends to pray for me as well. It helped.
Not having more kids, and being ok with it, is something I really struggled with. It's not the "picture perfect" family that I had envisioned for us. Are you living the life you envisioned or are you struggling too? Maybe you are single or divorced and are still searching, hoping, praying for that perfect person to come in your life. Maybe you haven't landed that perfect job yet. I have a college degree but yet I wiped 5 little butts this morning within 10 minutes---I can assure you this is not where I planned to be. But maybe there's a way to enjoy life no matter where we are...
Dave Bartlett spoke at Orchard Hill Church and said this, "Pause. Pray. Choose Joy." Those words have really stuck with me and how easy is that to remember?
When I just cant find the time to shower, my kids get up at 4 am, a child throws an entire bowl of cereal on the floor, I'm moody with my husband and short with my kids, my house is a disaster, when I forget to pay a bill on time, or when depression hits hard... Pause. Pray. Choose joy. Saying it just allows me to breathe. It calms me. Some days, my life is far from what I intend it to be and I am sure God is laughing down at my effort to rock this gig I have going on but this is the life He gave me. I am still here, showered or not, clean house or messy house, I'm still here. God intends for me to live this life. Actually LIVE it. I cant just have my life stop because I want another baby. No, I need to enjoy this life and be happy for the crazy way it's going. There is so much joy in this life and you just have to see it. Live it. Be it. I. Choose. JOY.

Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."

Have you ever watched God paint a sunset? It is so beautiful. Perfect, actually. It's a work in progress as the night draws near and the process is just as beautiful as the final image.
Our life is like a never ending painting that God is creating--the process is intended to be just as beautiful as the final image. Perhaps our life with two boys is just a stroke of the paint brush and He is just not done painting our family portrait yet.
Pause. Pray. Choose Joy.
Our life is a beautiful painting that God is still creating. So sit back and enjoy this Life and praise God everyday you get to live it!

XOXO
-Alicia