I have always felt like God created me to be a mom. When asked in high school what my future plans included I had replied with, "Be a mom". I had no doubt that this was what I was going to do. My first two pregnancies were easy and fun. My deliveries for both boys were also easy and enjoyable, thanks to an epidural. And parenting, well, that’s a fun ride too. It was encouraging to think that my plan was also God’s plan. We plan for four kids, but will it happen? Is that God's plan too?
July 2013
When it came time to try for our third child, I was really excited about the idea of having a new baby. I got pregnant the first month after getting off birth control but something felt different. It didn't feel right. I was angry that I wasn't feeling the excitement; after all, this was MY Plan.
I tried to feel excited. My husband and I made pregnancy announcement cards with our boys and surprised our closest friends and family.
While most said they were happy for us, I still didn't feel it. I didn't feel the joy that I knew I should feel—the joy that I felt with my first two pregnancies.
I was being very selfish. I did not turn to The Lord in my moments of uncertainty. And for that, I am embarrassed.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
I soon heard Alice Shirey's teaching on Living Life with Gratitude at our church. This teaching moved me to tears. I felt The Lord talking to me that day. My heart was open. I was ready to live my life with gratitude and thank him for every beautiful moment in my life--especially this pregnancy! I was always honest with my feelings to my husband and told him that this was a life-altering teaching for me.
The next week was great as I started each day talking with God. Asking Him for patience with my children and thanking him multiple times during the day for the life he has given me and for the life I was carrying. I was putting all of my faith in Him. I was anticipating my upcoming 12 week doctor appointment, to hear that precious heart beat for the first time.
Monday, September 23, 2013 I woke up shortly after my husband left for work to find my underwear covered in blood. I immediately panicked yet stayed very, very calm, remembering back to my first child when I had a little spotting and it turned out to be nothing. I welcomed each of my daycare families into my home that morning and we started our day. I called the doctor’s office as soon as it opened at 8:00am and told them what was going on. They couldn't see me until 2:00pm. My mind was going crazy but I remained calm. Talking with God really helped.
My mom came to help me with my daycare and I went to the doctor. I assured my husband that it would be nothing and that he didn't have to come. The same thing happened with Korvin (our first son) so I wasn't concerned and the bleeding had stopped.
Miscarriage wasn't going to happen to me. I am a good mom. God wouldn't take a child from Me.
Every visit to the OBGYN had been easy, very pleasant. I have had two easy pregnancies. I mean, I am that lady who moms hate. I absolutely LOVE being pregnant!
When the ultrasound tech called me in to do a vaginal ultrasound, I immediately felt scared. I was no longer brave. I wanted my husband there to hold my hand. I was expecting the worst. I spotted the embryonic sac right away on the small screen and knew something was wrong--very, very wrong. The baby was too small. I couldn't hear a heartbeat. The tech asked me if I was sure on my dates and if I was sure I should be 12 weeks. I was sure. She, the tech, obviously couldn't tell me anything. But I knew. I knew there was no baby. I lost the baby. Lost the baby? Not like it could be found again.
My baby was dead.
I felt numb. Why? Why me? Was it because I was so ungrateful? I had never had any problems carrying to term before.
What was I going to tell my husband? My husband has experienced too much loss in his life and now I did it to him again. I felt so guilty. I hated that I had to call him to tell him.
I got dressed and the tech took me to a room to wait for the doctor. It felt like years before she came in to talk to me. Why did I have to wait? So she could tell me that my baby was dead. I already know! I felt like screaming, I was so mad. I needed a hug. I felt so alone. The doctor proceeded to talk to me to give me options. Pass it naturally or have a D&C. Was I supposed to make a decision now? I just wanted to go home. Go home to hug my husband and my two perfect boys.
I drove home, paralyzed with pain. I walked inside my house and my two year old son looks at me from the top of the stairs to ask, "Mommy, did the baby go away?"
Whoa, what!? No one even hinted that anything happened. God proceeded to talk to me through him as he crawls on my lap to hug me and says, "It's okay, Mommy. I love you."
I went another 4 days with that baby inside me. It was horrible. I still felt pregnant. The embryonic sac continued to grow, was measuring at 12 weeks but the baby stopped at week 8. I opted for the D&C procedure because it hadn't passed naturally and I wanted it all to be over. I wanted this dead baby out of me.
Getting out of bed was difficult. Not crying all day seemed impossible.
I knew I shouldn't be angry for I know everything is all in His hands, but I was angry. Did God prepare me for this weeks ago when I wasn't feeling joyful about the pregnancy?
This song on repeat really helped during this week: Because He Lives
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M-zwE33zHA
The day of my D&C was awful. The nurse who prepped me for the procedure talked about her daughter being 36 weeks pregnant—did she not read my chart? Did she not know why I was laying on this table!? My husband and I exchanged looks but we just bit our tongue. After the procedure, I was wheeled out in a wheelchair and as I waited for my husband to pull up in the van a young woman waiting for the elevator says, “You must’ve just had a baby”. Do you see a baby?!?? I said nothing.
I have no baby.
My husband and I decided we were going to wait to try again. We were going to focus on our marriage, the boys, and find joy again with what we have. However, the next seven months were very difficult for me. I became depressed but was too embarrassed to ask for help. Every baby bump I saw, every new baby that was born, and every new baby announcement made my heart ache. Why me? Why wasn’t I having a baby? God, why wasn’t my plan your plan? How selfish of me, right? I have two beautiful boys and here I am upset and angry because I want more.
"My faith tells me that, in the midst of what I perceive as the upheaval of my life, God has everything under control. It tells me that he, more than anyone, feels my pain, understands the void my miscarriage left, and counts my tears. It reassures me I'm never alone. And it tells me that as long as I remain open to God, he'll continue rebuilding my heart—still, and ever-more, the heart of a mother—one piece at a time."
-Laura L. Mills
It wasn’t until the week of the due date (April 8, 2014) that I finally “got it”. I was reading the book,
Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst and she talked about how our children are never really ours but instead they belong to God.
"...That's right. She is God's child. He gave her to us, and if He chooses, He might take her. But whether He leaves or takes her, we have to stand here today and say we love Him no matter what..."
This was so very powerful for me. I needed to let this baby go. That night I did just that. I gave my child to God.
I prayed to God that night through this song...
"Give Me Faith"
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
[x2]
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
[x2]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8
The next day I was taking photos of the boys, just because, and I noticed a white ball float across the screen of my phone. It was as if our angel baby was saying
“Thank you for letting me go. I am where I need to be, with God. And I will always be with you.” This was simply miraculous and exactly what I needed. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and my faith was restored.
Here's the picture I took of the boys that day that was much brighter than the rest :)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
I started to live my life by enjoying every moment with my husband and our kids and praising God for each day I get to spend with them. I started to have hope in our future.
But here it is again, my dreaded monthly gift. Why am I not pregnant? We have always gotten pregnant the first month of trying... Why not this time? We are so ready to be parents again. We have been praying and we have been trying. I cannot help but feel discouraged again because my plan is not His. I try not to count the days and just live in the moment but I get consumed in my plan and not trust in His.
I lose Hope. It is in these moments of weakness that I am overcome by fear for the future. It isn't until I put my trust back in Him when I start to feel hope again and patiently wait for His plan to play out.
Perhaps you are wondering why it has taken me a year to share my story when I openly share everything else on Facebook and Instagram. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that something didn't go my way. Embarrassed that I needed help. Embarrassed that I didn't turn to God when I needed Him most. And miscarriage isn't something people openly talk about but lately I have felt God tug at me saying, "Alicia, use this to help others. Use this to help yourself. Be humble. It's okay to talk about. It's okay to ask people to pray for you. You can't do this on your own."
Our God is so great and he works in the most amazing, unexpected ways and I have hope that God will answer our prayers when and how He feels best.
Today, I choose to love. I choose to laugh. I choose to LIVE.
Live for today. Cherish the moment.
Be strong in The Lord and NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
--Alicia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI43xs2s9d8
